i keep feeling like cleaning will make me feel better, but this is the second time I’ve done a big clean thinking it’s gonna make me feel better and it ramps up my anxiety by the end of the day. this time my hand scattered and dumped my water all over my keyboard, like twice
Is it cause it shows me how gross everything is, how much I still have to do? I get overwhelmed and grossed out?
okay if i get all my art shit out of my room and push my mattress to the other corner (same wall, idk I know the space left over is the same one side or the other but it feels different) then I’ll have a space between my bed and my wall.
Should I put my target fold out circle chair (what are those called, the super dorm-y one) there and make another little flop down nook for me?
Or should I buy a little desk and put my roll-y chair there? Would I actually ever use it? I don’t really have a place to clean work, like sitting down and working space. But if I put my roll-y chair there it’d also be shutting the space and I don’t like that, plus roll-chairs are so heavy on spaces, makes me trip (literally) and it’d be between my bed and my wall so I’d have to pull it all the way past my bed to get in it and scoot toward my desk (although I guess I could keep it open toward the room and then swivel around to the desk. It’s still a lot of weight there, with the desk being closed off)
Maybe I’ll buy a little roll-y chair, or one without a back that can go under the desk (second option’s still a little heavy. Plus that’d be two things I’d have to buy bluh. And I have so many chairs in my apartment rn anyway. I don’t like too many empty chairs)
But maybe part of being Good is having a clean work space
god i just want to move back into studios, i need to reorganize but I can’t until i can get this stuff out of here
Police are looking into whether a cop put a woman who is seven months pregnant in a chokehold at her Brooklyn home over the weekend, cops said Monday.
Video frames released by an advocacy group in East New York show Rosan Miller, 27, struggling with a cop who appears to have his arm around her neck, police said.
Officers went to the home because Miller was grilling on a public sidewalk in violation of local law, cops said. But a melee broke out that ended with her, her brother and husband all in cuffs.
The brother, John Miller, 29, was charged with harassment and obstruction, and the husband, Moses Miller, 34, was charged with resisting arrest and obstruction. Rosan Miller was hit with a disorderly conduct summons.
When former City Councilman Charles Barron heard, he called cops to complain and “expedite” their release, he said.
“This was all over a grill,” Barron said. “This is about grilling in front of her house.”
The advocacy group calling itself People Organizing and Working for Empowerment and Respect _ that appears to be run by Barron and his politician wife, Inez Barron, released the photos.
Charles Barron pointed out that the woman’s daughter can be seen in the photo watching her mother being arrested. Barron said one of the cops, a lieutenant, went by the apartment on at 594 Bradford St. Thursday about a domestic incident involving somebody else in the building and returned on Saturday while they were grilling.
The NYPD prohibits the use of chokeholds. A case in which a man died while in an apparent chokehold has led to outcry in the city recently. Eric Garner, 43, died July 17 after a confrontation with cops who were arresting him for selling illegal cigarettes.
So the NYPD is at it again. This time they have choked a 7 month pregnant Black woman. Her offense? She was grilling in front of her house. This is over a damn grill.
Right on cue, people are already talking about the NYPD needing sensitivity training etc. They don’t get it. This is what the NYPD does. It’s not about a lack of training. They are looking for any reason to inflict fear and escalate a situation so they can use as much force as possible. I don’t know how many more incidents need to happen to make it click in their heads that the police is terrorizing Black communities. How much more ridiculous do these situations need to get? You tell me what warrants choking a pregnant woman for grilling in front of her house. Damn whether that is not allowed or not. You know what you do in that situation as a cop? You give her a citation or a fine. Not the NYPD, they choke and assault pregnant Black women.
step 1: play music. the sad songs. the FUCK-YOU-I’M-OVER-IT songs. the So-Chill-Your-Heart-Could-Stop-Beating songs. the songs you mother would play after she got dumped. the songs your mother would play when she was in love. the songs that carry memories of you being with yourself.
step 2: clear your room of everything dead. garbage. food. crumbs. mess. receipts you’ll never look at. dirt you’ll never miss. smudge out the essence of kisses and love and fill your room with new breath and smell. clear your room of everything dead.
step 3: rearrange your furniture. put your bed in a new place, away from the window and only touching one wall. move your desk at an angle that creates a wall. put your shoe rack next to your closet. make sense of your room. make sense of your space. reconfigure your home.
step 4: spend a lot of time in places you neglect. sweep in those corners that hid behind your mini fridge. wipe down the window sills. lie on the floor, or on the rug. pray like your mama taught you. for salvation or peace or something. or speak to yourself of last year and yourself of three years in the future. would they be proud of you? why/not?
step 5: give up painting your room and just put the paintings up. put the posters up. the drawings and quotes and letters up. put pictures up of you and your friends and your favorite places. text them a picture of where they are in your room. remember that they love you and these pictures captured that moment.
step 6: put your laundry away. fold things. fold them twice. fold them until they are flatter and neater and ready to be put away. smell your fresh laundry. maybe finally go get quarters so you can wash your dirty laundry. or don’t. you’re already doing a lot today.
step 7: have a friend feed you. let them place their hand on your belly and feel the hurricane of anxiety/dread/death and allow them to suck out that poison. take your tinctures religiously. you can never have enough water.
step 8: sleep for a half hour of a half day. sleep until you wake up feeling happy even if it’s a fleeting moment, and after the gravity of the situation hits, fall back asleep to wake up and keep stealing those fleeting moments of bliss.
step 9: don’t stop playing music. don’t dive deeper in your head. distract yourself. find shows or nature or friends to keep you so busy and occupied that you cannot allow yourself to think. if you feel safest in your mind, think about what creature you would be, how you would feed yourself, where you would live, what sensations you would experience if you had a tail, or feathers, or scales, or giant jaws, or small beaks, or sharp teeth, or majestic wings.
step 10: write. don’t publish everything. just write. and write.
So I was talking to my friend about colouring books and she showed me this one.
And then there was this page.
And finally this absolute gem!
How amazing is this book?! I want one.
Where the fuck do people find these hidden, majestic things???
Asked by Anonymous
2/3 And I thought, wow, weird, but ok, they know this kid, they deal with developmentally disabled kids every day, they know better. And I didn’t think about it much. But then I read what you wrote about understanding, but not being able to respond. And it blew my mind. I thought of that kid, and how maybe asking him would have made perfect sense, because even if he can’t respond, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to be asked,
3/3and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to at least know what people want to do with his art. Even if he doesn’t have the capacity to voice his opinion about it. Thanks for writing about the way you do and don’t communicate, and explaining that lack of communication doesn’t equal lack of personhood or awareness. I will know that next time something like this happens, and maybe it will make a difference to the DD person it concerns.
Wow I’m seriously happy that people are asking him.
Something that made me cry, later, when I was capable of crying:
Sometimes I’m incapable of showing a single signal that I am aware of anything. Nothing. Not with my eyes, not with anything.
Normally, I’m accustomed to even people who know me, treating me different. At least, their manner of talking to me and their voice changes, they get nervous. At most… I get to learn what they really think of me, because they talk about me as if I’m not even there, including complaining about me in terms that made it 100% clear that they would not say this if they thought I was present there with them.
So I was at AutCom and I’d just given a presentation. It was super-crowded — the AutCom conference, 3 weddings, and a Bar Mitzvah, going on all at once in this hotel. I had a killer migraine and I was overloaded and I’d just gotten through my presentation, which I’d given by lying on the floor writhing because I couldn’t get up. One of those days. When it was over, a bunch of us autistic people (all nonspeaking normally), all went out into the hall in various stages of shutdown. Larry Bissonette was pacing. I was leaning up against a wall and I couldn’t move or even focus my eyes or move my eyes in any way.
I love Sandra Radisch’s writing and I wish I’d had a chance to meet her when either of us was more communicative. But her staff person came up to me to tell me what my presentation meant to her. And she did not bat an eyelash, she did not change her way of speaking to me in the slightest, she talked to me as if she was talking to any random person, even though I had no prayer of even blinking my eyes in response to her at that point.
And that meant more to me than you could believe.
If this child gets talked to respectfully and as if people expect him to understand, then he will understand. He may or may not understand the words. There is no way of telling even whether a very verbal person understands the words. He may understand every word said, or none, or it may vary day to day.
But at minimum, he will understand what it means to be spoken to respectfully — people with receptive language problems tend to do better at picking up on emotional content like that, so if he doesn’t understand the words, he will doubtless understand the intent. And he will begin to expect to be asked. He will expect respect. And when respect is not given, he will react badly. And that is the beginning of self-advocacy for people with very severe communication impairments.
But he will also possibly remember the first time he was ever asked, for the rest of his life. When nobody ever asks — it means the world. It meant the world to me, and I’m nowhere near in the position of being underestimated as thoroughly as this boy is. Talk to him. Include him. Ask him things. Talk even if you expect no response. It will mean something to him. It could mean everything to him.
"lack of communication doesn’t equal lack of personhood or awareness. "
We place so much emphasis on verbal communication that we forget that:
1) loudest does not equal right
2) most articulate/verbose does not equal right
3) there are other ways of communicating
4) which are no less valid
5) if someone has difficulty communicating in a typical or expected way that does not make what she/he wants to communicate invalid or unimportant
6) our lack of capacity to listen/understand does not equal lack of value/importance of the message!!
Listening and awareness are skills that must be practiced and developed as much as talking, and yet we learn so many anti-listening skills. LISTEN.
Yes. And also, if you see others involved in someone’s care write that they “have no communication”, it’s particularly urgent to figure out ways they communicate and document them.
Even if you’re not sure. Even if they’re ambiguous. Document that. Eg “Bob says infrequent and hard to interpret words.” or “Bob waves his hand in response to questions”.
The consequences of being seen as incapable of communication can get really horrible really quickly, so if you’re in a position to counter that, do so.